How Would Your Life Partner Handle Major Life Change?
Do you want to turn your life around, start a business, get into investing, change careers, but are afraid of what your life partner might say or do when he or she hears all about it? Will they support, question, or simply reject your new aspirations? Well, there’s only one way to find out! There’s probably nothing to fret but, perhaps, a bit more to understand about your partner than you thought you knew about them.
Going through an unwelcome turbulent life episode, be it a crossroads, a midlife crisis, or any event that makes you wish things were different, can be a fantastic opportunity to grow personally, get closer to finding your true potential, and change your whole identity by letting go of poor habits and adopting healthier ones in all areas of your life. Truly, the sky is the limit when it comes to opening the doors to previously unexplored possibilities!
Among the most crucial factors that predict outcomes in terms of success mindset when embarking on new life ventures is our choice of relationships, especially the intimate relationship we happen to be in when the crisis or craving for change occurs. If you aren’t sure what type of a person your spouse or significant other really is as far as undertaking major life changes, what better time to find out than when you are just about ready to turn your life around?
Chapter 12 of my book, It Really Is Simple: A Holistic Approach to Self-Confidence, talks about the impact our relationship choices have on the quality of our lives and, of course, on the strength of our confidence. Part of this chapter discusses four basic types of intimate partners in the context of spousal support during a game-changing endeavor. These four types may or may not overlap, depending on the situation, but one type tends to be more pronounced than the others in different people. So, before you rush into assumptions as to how your intimate partner would handle your decision, consider the following four options. Your past experience with that person can provide some insights.
1.The Ideal
The first type of partner is what many would describe as the ideal: he or she has the same viewpoints and goals as yours, a teammate totally on board with your dreams, eager to participate and help in any way possible, and completely supportive of your aspirations towards a major life change. Alternatively, and no less desirable, your partner has his or her own goals and dreams but is fully agreeable with yours and, again, steps in as able when help is needed, and you do the exact same thing for them.
Nice as this can be, obviously, it is not the most commonly found intimate partnership or alliance, as evidenced by the many people out there who are in relationships that are less than ideal. The above-described partner is a rarity. But, guess what? You don’t need a partner who always agrees with you and supports your decisions no matter what, because there’s a lot more that you can do on your own than you can even begin to imagine!
This is why I, personally, have absolutely no issue with the next type of a partner and I hope you will soon appreciate my standpoint. Or at least, you will by the end of this post, anyway, so bear with me here.
2. The Skeptic
The second type of partner is the one who will express genuine concerns about the time, money, and risks involved in your new undertaking. Your partner will likely question your ideas more than once, possibly for quite some time, and possibly even after some good results have become evident.
There could be many reasons for this behavior. Perhaps your partner has heard you talk about doing big things before yet not seen much action on your part. Perhaps your partner has had some undesirable experiences, financial losses, or other disappointments that have made them more cautious, somewhat hesitant, and less likely to jump on a new, potentially life-changing, opportunity.
But here’s the most important thing to look for in this relationship: your partner is not stopping you from pursuing your dream. They are okay with you doing it, as long as they’re allowed sit back and observe for a while.
There really is a tremendous potential in this type of relationship, because, as time goes by and you gradually become successful, your partner will begin to see value in spending time on and managing the risk associated with your enterprise and will be more agreeable to brainstorm, offer ideas, problem solve alongside you, and help with tasks as requested.
Seeing your intimate partner transform like this is truly rewarding as it grows your confidence that whatever sacrifice you’ve made for your dream so far is appreciated by the person you love the most. But, fun as it may be to see them gradually get on your side, the personal transformation that happens to you during this whole new growth process is even more worthwhile! Why? Because, by realizing that you’ll be on your own with your life-changing idea for a while, you stop relying so much on the other person and learn to be a more independently thinking and self-reliant individual! You also learn to be at peace with the idea of leaving your partner alone by letting them do his or her own thing there for a little bit, while you grow more resilient to the inevitable challenges of your new enterprise. Please, understand that this aspect of your personal growth process is invaluable! Don’t fear or dread it but embrace it instead!
In so many ways, this kind of a relationship is a big favorite of mine, because there is nobody standing in the way, meaning, there isn’t much ground for excuses not to embark on the life-changing journey, yet there’s still a listening ear if need be and help available here and there as necessary, and there’s just such an ample opportunity for personal development on your own terms!
Later on, as you show some measurable results as testaments to your serious intentions, progress, and success, your partner will likely ask you on their own to join you in the game and become your truly best ally! It’s just that this person feels more confident when they see that your idea wasn’t some kind of whimsical, impulsive thought that went no further than a big talk over two glasses of red wine. And that’s okay, because they have every right to question things and calculate their risk, just like you.
I will now switch things around from the way I discuss this in my book and give you what is, presumably, the worst-case partner scenario.
3. The Completely Unsupportive
You have a partner who openly resents your idea and makes every effort to dissuade you from pursuing it and, if you choose not to listen to them and proceed to taking action on your idea, they either attempt to sabotage your efforts every step of the way in any way imaginable, or threaten that they’d leave the relationship. That’s what many people dread, right?
Now you must have a conversation to try and find out why they are strongly opposed to your aspirations, what it is that makes them feel threatened or so profoundly insecure and afraid of losing control that they are acting in this way. They may or may not tell you the whole truth or only the truth, but you might learn more about them than you ever knew prior to this conversation or series of conversations.
Your attempts at convincing them of the value and potential of your idea may end up nowhere, assuming worst-case scenario. If that’s what transpires, and I know this is extremely hard for some people stuck in such relationships to hear, but it is now up to you what happens next. You need to make some decisions. Because, I bet that behavior on their part isn’t happening for the first time, only now there’s something at stake that really matters to you. It’s called your dream!
So, how much are you willing to compromise? And why? If it’s all about some sense of material convenience in a relationship that’s otherwise hanging on a thread or is so unequal that one side — in this case, you — is completely subdued to the other side, you need to leave this situation. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave as you get more and more wrapped up in the worst type of comfort zones.
4. The Pretender
Now is the time to talk about the last basic type of a partner, which I have intentionally discussed third in my book, because of the commonly perceived levels of complexity for the person wishing to commit time and effort to a major life change.
On the surface, this type of an intimate partner appears to be quite supportive of your endeavors. He or she will praise your ideas and give you all sorts of verbal encouragement, especially in public. However, if it so happens that you need help, and I am not necessarily talking about money, but I mean help with some task, no matter how small, your partner finds an excuse not to participate, time and again, in spite of them being very, very supportive verbally and not too busy physically. Unlike the second type of a partner, this person never really shows initiative in taking part in your effort that is ultimately geared towards benefitting both sides of the relationship. Moreover, this same person doesn’t seem to mind at all taking advantage when the positive outcomes of your efforts materialize.
Why is this relationship more problematic than the one previously described, you might ask? After all, we’re talking about someone who isn’t constantly questioning your ideas, nor is he or she banning you from taking action. The challenge here is in the pretense of support, creating a deceptive situation where you may believe for quite some time that your partner is on your side when they actually couldn’t care less. It may take you a longer time to realize that you are on your own there and it can also make it harder to choose in your favor when it comes to deciding whether to continue such a relationship. Whereas the previous example is clear-cut and you know exactly where you stand, making the choice to detach yourself practically a no-brainer, harder as that situation may seem to be.
Challenging times have the ability to put many relationships to the test. If you are currently experiencing a taxing life situation, I wish you to embrace this episode of your life for the rare opportunity it is to validate your partner’s declarations of love and commitment to you. Whatever the case may be, be honorable. Remain mindful and respectful of their wishes and aspirations, but never perceive yourself as someone less-deserving of the same kind of conduct on their behalf. Be prepared to make uncomfortable decisions and take action as dictated by your sense of self-respect and genuine need for personal fulfillment.